Quitting University?

When I got into University I could hardly believe it. I was academic however, my behaviour deteriorated at school which resulted in my work declining. Once I screwed my head back onto my shoulders I got my shit together and tried hard to get good grades. So once this payed off in a Uni offer I couldn't believe my luck.

I had finally found something I was sure I wanted to do and would be proud of a career. Nursing was never an option to me until I found out that you could choose mental health as your field. While I was unsure of what I wanted to do for years, I knew it would involve mental health. It was a subject I was always interested in and I felt I could relate to patients on a different level to others as I had experienced and seen a lot of mental health issues in my own life. At the time everything was perfect and I was sure I had made the best decision of my life. However, this safe and comfortable feeling soon changed.

Once summer came and I knew September was approaching I was still confident in my choice but slightly apprehensive due to being such an introvert. I knew I would have to work on being more talkative and outgoing but I was sure that since they interviewed me, I would have the skills somewhere inside me to adapt once I went out on clinical placement. To me, nurses were loud, outspoken and confident all of which I was not. I assumed this would come to me over time as I learned the skills and knowledge I would need for my chosen career.

Academically, university is a BIG step up from school. My first module I felt was going well and I could handle until I got my assignment back to find out I had flat out failed. To find out you have failed at the first hurdle is not only incredibly disheartening but it made me think the doubts I had weren't just in my head. My assignment was a simple workbook-style essay which I thought I had done quite well on. The reality was I got 38%.

I also found this out while on my first placement and went and cried in the toilets like in an American movie. However, I enjoyed my first placement at an alcohol abuse day clinic where there was a small team, all of which I warmed to and eventually became a lot more talkative with. This placement was a lot of observing and not doing very much. While on placement I realised my idea of what I thought nursing would be was totally different. I imagined us counselling patients, checking up on their progress and delivering individualised care. This was not the case. All patients would be in two categories, aiming for complete abstinence or reducing their alcohol intake. From this category almost all of the patients would receive the same care plans and encouragement. Not that I would put down my placement AT ALL. I think they were amazing. I just expected it to be different. Fifty percent of my day was spent doing paperwork in an office which I was told there was plenty more of. My visions of how my 'dream career' would be fell apart over these four weeks.

The Nursing and Midwifery Council are also very discouraging to young student nurses I feel. My university lecturers said The Code of Conduct was our new bible so I read it over and over making sure I was aware of everything and anything. My uni also banged on about the importance of what we post on social media. This to me, was obvious. Keep patient confidentiality etc. However, it was so drilled into us that I almost felt like we were not aloud an opinion as a health care professional and as a woman with A LOT of opinions I was not happy. I felt like they were trying to restrain us but I believe social media can be the best way of expressing and receiving other opinions in a positive way. I just felt very restrained.

As of now I have just started my second placement which is a nightmare. I have submitted my second assignment which I'm sure I will fail because apparently if I think I'm doing fine, it's definitely not fine. I need to begin re-doing my first failed assignment and get ready to begin my second year very soon. My placement is on an elderly ward which is totally new to me. TOTALLY NEW. I've never even really interacted much with elderly people. So when I was shown how to wash someone once and given one lesson on personal care I was so overwhelmed and stressed out. I literally broke down in tears to a member of staff because I just feel so out of my depth. One staff member also, among other things, said that I am too shy and quiet and in short, will never make it as a nurse if I continue to be that way which I feel is just confirming everything for me. I just feel so done at the minute.

I think I am just running on so many emotions at the minute which is confusing and scary. I don't want to drop out because I know how disappointed people would be with me but I also don't want to be stuck in a job I hate forever. I feel as if I already know I want to leave and get a full-time job and figure myself out but I can't admit it to myself.

However, this could just be stress and I just need to ride it out to find my passion and why I was so excited to sign up in the first place. Right now is just incredibly confusing.